"Honey, did you wipe your pee-pee?"
Wait. Hold up. Did I just really say that? "Wipe your pee-pee?" Really?
This is my favorite part of being a Dad. Reflecting on all the things that, in the moment, make perfect sense, but given an outsiders perspective may garner a double take. As I sit, collecting my thoughts, holding back laughter (it's early A.M. here, God forbid we wake anyone up) I have amassed my top 3 Things I Never Thought I'd Say But Say it Daily list (*in no particular order):
1. "Get your finger out of there." -
Ah. A Classic. This phrase applies to many instances in life: the cookie dough bowl, the ketchup pile on a plate, a belly button, a nose, a pair of pants, an outlet, my ear, my eye, a squishy toy's underbelly. It seems my kids are Part Aye-Aye (thank you Wild Kratts) and they seek to gain extra knowledge of their world through stereognosis (perception of object using touch). Unfortunately, there are lots of places those fingers don't belong.
Owen takes the cake on this as he once, simultaneously had one finger in his nose while the other was spelunking for gold in his belly button.
Ah- the mind wanders at times. In moments like this I often try to sit back and take in just how funny this looks, and just how lucky and blessed I am to see this because all those DINKS out there have never experienced a bliss like this.
2. Why are you peeing there?
Seems that when you have to go, you have to go. Without warning. Without hesitation. Without any sense of damn decency. Let me give you two heartwarming examples: Owen, as we leave the grocery store (and literally using the restroom five minutes earlier) has adopted this cute habit of ALWAYS having to pee before getting in the car. I stress the word ALWAYS because he stresses it. As if he is hinting -"Dad, come on, you know this is me. You know about my condition, I ALWAYS have to go pee before I get in the car." Always is relative as it only seems to be my car, and only at the grocery store, but alas, I digress. So there we are, unloading groceries into the car and I turn around to my son watering my tire, pants at ankles, bare buns glowing bright in the nuclear Phoenix sun. People aren't as open to a 5 year old urinating in public as I would have suspected but hell, I probably won't ever see them again anyway.
Cora is my second lovely example - this little dear wants to be "One of the Boys" at times and takes a literal stance on that when it comes to peeing (STANCE, get it?!?). She has really gotten used to peeing standing up. So as we are playing on the patio, often with minimal clothes as it tends to be hot and kids get clothes dirty- I look up to a wonderful little fountain with decent distance. My little angel, standing hands on her hips, a perfect ring of light around her blonde hair, grinning triumphantly as she waters the grass without sitting down. She has this amazing disarming smile, and she uses it - looks right at me and says, "Just like you Daddy."
I have no idea where these kids learn this stuff from.
3. What did you just wipe on me?
It would seem that kids don't particularly care for things being on their hands. Odd, because they could care less if things are on their face, in their hair, all over their clothes, nose, shoes - you name it, they literally don't care it is there. Until it comes to their hands. Then, we have a stage 5 emergency on our hands.
"Daddy, get a wipe!!" is screamed with the urgency only a toddler can impart. God forbid the chocolate you just shoved into your pie-hole and is currently ringing your mouth like bad lipstick should linger on your delicate digits any longer.
A fun story - I got double teamed. Daddy Date Night happens ever Friday night. I usually sit between the kids to manage chaos and ease the distribution of dinner equally (Lord help me it it isn't equal) between the two. We had just finished a delightful dinner and both kids, almost instantaneously, decided that a wipe would be necessary prior to the evacuation process. Me, being the upstanding, and polite adult (someone has to be one) I was wearing my napkin on my lap. However, in the hustle of dinner, it had fallen. Bending forward to grab it- there it was- four tiny hands massaging my back. My shirt, in convenient reach of their grubby paws had transitioned to napkin nearly instantly.
"Nevermind Daddy, I don't need a wipe anymore."
Sometimes, dinner isn't the worst of it. And sometimes, I don't even know until they confess.
"Daddy, I wiped a booger on your back."
Ofetn it's more discrete - "Daddy, my hand was dirty so I wiped it on you. All clean." This one leaves me to discover the joys that await.
What do you find yourself saying that never, in a million years, did you think you'd say?